February 11, 2020
The moment you realize you are done having children is an interesting one.
After having my second, I was pretty sure I’d have at least one more.
Emotionally, I knew I could do it. Financially, too. But physically, now that was the determining factor of fate for our family.
After one miscarriage, two pregnancies filled with complications, repair of an inguinal hernia with complications arising from it, and then being diagnosed with endometriosis, I am now left with the harsh reality that two children is my limit.
I was told, out-right, I should not become pregnant again because of the risk to myself and the baby, so I will listen and obey, but my compliance comes at the cost of a happiness I didn’t know was so deep-rooted in who I am as a mother.
I am mourning the loss of the idea of the children that will never be.
I am crying, because I will never again carry a child and bring one into the world.
I am saddened that I will never be graced with the sound of a first cry, a first smile, and a first giggle again.
I’ve been blessed with two beautiful, intelligent, healthy girls, and for that I am grateful. But a part of me will always feel a loss for the child(ren) I can no longer have.
If the possibility of having more children has been taken away from you as well, know you are not alone in your mourning.
Your heart made room for another, and now that space will never be occupied. Your disappointment is perfectly valid; not weird or selfish or unwarranted.
I never thought I would be complete as a family of four, but now I have to be. I need to come to terms with this new reality, but not today. Today, I will grieve and hug my husband and my girls, and try to make peace with the little Ivy or Ian I will never have the opportunity to bring into this world.
I never understood the power of a loss that wasn’t physical, until now, and to mourn something that will never come to be.
Have you decided you are done having children (or no longer have the opportunity to), but also was not ready when the time came? How did you deal with it? Comment below.