January 30, 2020
You were not our first.
I’ve rewritten this letter to you dozens of times now and cry each time that I do.
I’ve never known how I was going to tell you, fearing I’d lessen the value of each child.
I love the child I lost and I love you, and without losing that child I would not have you and know you for the amazing little person that you are.
You see, I am 1 in 4.
It’s common to hide this fact as the loss of a child is no easy burden to bear. It’s such a lonely feeling and you question everything you did for this to happen. We as mothers often hide behind this misfortune and are critical of what we did wrong, when in most cases, it was just never meant to be.
Losing a child changes you, and I hope you never have to experience the feeling of being stripped of that happiness and joy.
Losing that baby stripped me of the appreciation and joy with you, because I was fearful the whole pregnancy, up until the time you arrived.
I’m older and wiser now and see how blessed I have become, but I will always wonder about your brother or sister. To me, I have three children, even though I’ve only brought two into this world. Losing that child didn’t change that fact.
My Darling Daughter, even though you weren’t truly my first, I appreciate every moment I’ve been gifted with you and I’m thankful in being granted the honor in birthing and raising you.
Your Broken Mother
I’m such an advocate in sharing my story to break the stigma of miscarriages.
Break the fear of criticism.
Break the silence and resentment.
Break the condoning nature we have on ourselves as the mothers of miscarriage.
That child I lost isn’t any less loved, and I carry his or her memory on with me always and forever.
When I shared the story of our loss, suddenly I was surrounded by dozens of women who also had experienced that pain, women I never even knew had lost children, and suffered in silence.
October is Infant Loss Awareness Month to bring a reminder to the ones we hold dear in our hearts, even though we cannot hold them, they will always be there.
I am 1 in 4 and I am not alone.
October 15 is Remembrance Day, please light a candle in honor of that sweet child you love.