Dear Daughter, This is What I Fear

Dear Daughter,

Lately, you’ve been ill, and I can’t help you.

It’s hurting me to see you in pain.

I feel helpless, angry, and confused. I feel like I’m not doing enough for you, even though I’m trying everything.

You’ve begun to stress about this, but it’s my burden, it’s something I need to carry for us. I want you to live lighthearted and carefree, as every child should.

Sometimes I feel I’m making it a bigger deal than it really is, but then other times I feel I’m not pushing hard enough. I want answers, you want answers, and I’m unsure how to get those answers for the both of us.

Daughter, I’m trying to make you better. I tell you everyday I’m helping you, but in truth, I don’t know what is wrong. I’m just doing the best I can with the information I have.

Maybe I’m forcing you to undergo a battery of tests for nothing, I honestly do not know.

You could recover today, tomorrow, or deal with this for the rest of your life. The unknown is our worst enemy, but I promise to stay strong for you and our family.

I’m stressed. I’m fearful. I’m confused.

I’m just a mom doing the best I can for my little girl.

Sincerely,

Mommy

My daughter has recently been having health issues. Initially it was just a tummy ache and now that “episode” has grown into something a little bigger.

While we are still trying to find out answers, sometimes I find myself going crazy.

Is this a bigger deal than I realize, or not a big deal at all?

If I take this one course of action, will I be harming her or helping her?

Am I doing right by her, or hurting her?

Am I pushing too hard, not hard enough, or asking just the right questions to get the answers?

Am I truly INSANE, or just the right amount of crazy for her?

As mothers, we can sit all day long overthinking every damn thing, and our children’s health is the worst fear and stressor ever.

I worry so much, all the time, probably obsessively over things.

I see my great friend whose four-month-old just underwent a major surgery to remove life-threatening tumors, and I wonder if I am being overdramatic, overcautious. She is so strong, while I feel so weak about my daughter’s situation.

Read the story about baby Harper’s battle with retinoblastoma here.

But I can’t help it. I feel that if I make one wrong move, or push aside one shred of doubt, my daughter will suffer for it.

So, for now, I’m just a mom, who is going insane with stress and fear for her daughter’s health, trying to be strong for my little girl who’s begging me to make it better, hoping this turns out to be nothing, so we can just roll on with this crazy life.

And for now, I’ll have to live with the fact that we have unknowns, reassure my daughter that everything will be all right, and push harder to keep finding more answers until we’ve exhausted every route.

And for now, that will have to be enough.

I have faith. I have the ability to fight for my daughter. And I won’t back down from the task.

Have you undergone a similar situation with your child? Please, give me some input and insight into your thoughts and feelings below.


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