January 2, 2019

An Open Letter to My Friends

Allie shares an open letter to her friends, letting them know how much they mean to her, even though a baby has changed everything. Here's how moms can keep their pre-baby friendships.

My dearest friends,

How are you? I know it’s been a while…

Those Happy Hour drinks in the city, those spontaneous weekend getaways, those carefree girls’ nights in with endless wine and laughter seem like only yesterday.

I miss those times, and I miss you.

I just want to write to let you know that I cherish our friendship, but I also know how much the dynamics of our relationship have changed since I had a baby.

You were more than supportive during my pregnancy, you threw me a beautiful shower, you gave lovely gifts to my baby, and visited us after I gave birth...

But now, we hardly see each other. I know what you’re thinking: “What gives? Why has a friendship so close suddenly become so distant?”

I know it’s my fault. I know having a baby changes everything. I know I can do better…

I want you to know, I haven’t stopped thinking about you and all the fun times we used to have together. I know you see pictures of me with my new “mom friends” and feel as though you’ve been replaced.

I want you to know no one can replace you or the memories we’ve created together. I want you to know how much you mean to me. But I also need to tell you about my new life.

Yes, I did make new friends with moms who live close by. I need the solidarity, the companionship, and the advice of people who are going through similar experiences.

I’m worried I will start talking about my baby and motherhood too much when you and I are together. I don’t want to bore you, I don’t want to embarrass myself… I want you to know I value both friendships, new and old, and the one I share with you is still very dear to my heart.

That text you sent me last week that’s still gone unanswered? I’m not ignoring you. I’ve been meaning to respond, honestly.

My baby made a mess in the kitchen that turned into a day of cleaning, that turned into an exhausted, early bedtime, that turned into another day, another night, another mosaic in the day of the life of a mother.

My excuses wear thin, even I can hear myself sounding like a broken record, but it’s the truth, and I need you to know, my poor communication does not make you less of a priority in my life.

I must apologize for canceling and rescheduling and canceling and rescheduling our plans time and time again. I know this is an inconvenience for you, and I’m sorry to have become the flaky, unreliable friend.

“The baby is sick” and  “I’m too exhausted” are the reasons you’ve heard over and over, but these are common occurrences, and I hope you can forgive me for bailing on you again.

I truly appreciate you reaching out and making the plans. Even though my actions say otherwise, even though I don’t deserve it, I would love to continue receiving those invitations.

And on the occasions where I’m able to come out, I know you’ve asked me to bring the baby. I can sense your disappointment when I politely decline and show up alone. But when we spend time together out and about, I want to be baby-free!

I want to listen to you when you talk and not be distracted by my screaming child, or excuse myself from the table, yet again, for a feeding or diaper change. I want to give you my full attention.

I invite you to come over to visit with me and the baby anytime. I know you think that might be imposing, that visitors will be overwhelming, but as long as you give me a little warning to spruce up the house (or at the very least, put on some deodorant), I would truly love to have you over.

The baby can scream without disturbing guests in a public place, the changing pad is nearby, and I can put her down for a nap without hassle. My door is always open to you (and I’ve got a bottle of wine with our names on it!).

I know I haven’t been the best friend to you lately. I take full responsibility, and I’m sorry.

As long as I am a mom, I will fail, I will make excuses. But your friendship means the world to me, and I will keep trying to do better.

Always and forever your devoted friend,


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